Stay At Home Mom-Day 1

Awesome! I am so grateful for today. I soaked up every little, unimportant moment. I took the kids for a walk and let them take their time to find new discoveries. We came home and drew pictures of what we found. We drew things like ants, butterflies, birds and potato bugs. I got help cleaning the house from my incredible husband and sweet little girl. We even cleaned out the fridge (much needed). I also got some grocery shopping done and now we have food in the house. We had time for family night, another walk, play time in the yard and family scripture study. The best part of it was how happy everyone was, especially Aine. She wasn't wild, uncontrollable Aine today. She was happy, busy Aine. I love this! Please Heavenly Father let everything work out so I can continue to be at home with my kids! I am in heaven right now! Please pray for us.

Special Moment with Aine

We have taken on a challange given to us by Pam. Everyday this week we show the kids a picture of Christ and what he was doing on that day of the last week of his life. Then we talk about what He did and read some scriptures on it. Yesterday was an extra special topic, the Last Supper and The Garden of Gethsemane.

Aine and I had a little one on one time in the morning and I wanted to prep her for the topic that night. I wanted to impress on her the importance of what Jesus did. I told her that while He was in the Garden He suffered for our sins. But He also suffered for the things that would be hard in our lives.

She's had a hard time going to bed lately. She cries from her room down to us, "It's hard to go to bed". So, I used that as an example. Jesus even suffered so He could help with how hard it is to go to bed. I told her all she needed to do was pray and ask Heavenly Father in Jesus' name to help her with going to bed.

Then she said, "Yea, and Jesus can come to my house and read me a story." That is the faith of a child. At that moment the spirit taught me what to say to her. I told her that Jesus may not be able to come to our house right now because He has a lot to do, but He did give her a mommy and daddy that could be here for her when He could not.

I don't know if she understood. She probably thought it was something I said to cover up, but it wasn't. I thought about it a lot yesterday. Jesus wants to be here with our kids. He loves children. I'm sure He would love to spend every moment with them, but He can't. Instead He gave them Moms and Dads. He gave Aine and Tanner me and Spencer.

It humbled me and gave me a fresh perspective on my motherhood. I want to do with Aine and Tanner what Jesus would do. I want to do what He wants for them. It's sweet to think that sometimes that means dropping everything and reading Aine another Curious George story.

I can't say it enough, but I love being a mom. I know that it is a divine calling and gift from our Heavenly Father and I am thankful.

Kids, Blessed Kids

I am sitting here at work finally catching up on all the blogs I like to follow. An amazing number of them are of kids; cute, beautiful, messy kids. A little ironic as I'm sitting at work. I have the men walking by, who have sworn off all association with kids, seeing me looking at these pictures of all these kids. These are the men who will look at this with a look in their face that says you poor, stupid girl. It just makes me wonder, how did we get to this point? How did we get to the point where there is such a cavern between how we feel about kids? Where is this cavern going to lead us?

It is times like these that I sure am grateful that I can get hard-headed and stubborn when I want something that's important to me. Otherwise I would have been bullied right out of the best stuff in life. Being a mom and spending time with my family. I don't care that it's the hardest thing in the world to do. I don't care that it is the ultimate sacrifice of all the fun stuff in the world. I am grateful for all of it.

Tribute to My Mom

I was reading one of my old journal entries from Mother's Day 2000 and thought I would share it, in tribute to my mom and upcoming Mother's Day. So, here it is, directly from my journal:

"I really love my mother. She really takes care of me and watches over me in every way possible. I never have a qualm with the way she has brought me up. To make things even more wonderful I feel like she is my best friend. I don't hide anything from her and know I couldn't if I wanted to. And even though I feel like she catches me in my faults and weaknesses, I know she still loves me dearly. She still loves me enough to be willing to listen to my long drawls of complaints and worries. At the end of it all she is prepared with all the answers and is there if I just need a hug.

We were talking about a fun family night where Catherine first saw a rainbow and loved it. We went in for a while, but Catherine wanted to go back out and see the rainbow. When they did go out to find it it was no longer there. She demanded that Mom put it back. In discussing it, my mom laughed at the unfailing faith children have in their mothers that they can do anything. She went on to confess that they must realize as they become older and wiser that their mothers can not do everything. But, I must confess I still have a strong belief that she can do anything."

Reading this makes me smile.

Mom, now that I have become a little more "older and wiser" I know that you can't do everything that you wish you could for us. But I do know that you have done and do everything that you could and should do for us. I want you to know that I still think of you as "Super Mom" because you are truly amazing in every way. I know you have sacrificed a lot as a mother. You are an example to me on motherhood, but also on balancing your own development and needs.

I love you Mom and I hope that you soak in all the good this Mother's Day! Because you deserve every bit of it!

Journal Musings

I have spent some time writing in my journal tonight and I feel prompted to share on here some of what came out of that writing. I haven't been faithful about writing in my journal since my mission. I'm being stubborn about how therapeutic writing my thoughts and feelings is for me. The last two years have been some of the hardest times I have been through yet in my life and I have been avoiding admitting any of it on paper. So, here is what I discovered tonight in my musings with my journal.

I've been avoiding facing my troubles by turning on the TV at night after the kids have gone to bed. Just at the time of day when I get enough quite time to think through things. I haven't wanted to think through them. My wonderful husband inspired me with a goal, less TV. So, tonight I wrote in my journal and faced my reality. I'm grateful for Spencer and how he strengthens and inspires me to do good. Without him and the added prayers and scripture studies that have come with our latest goals I wouldn't been able to have peace.

I relearned how to seek and find personal revelation while making huge decisions. The kind that scare me to make because I don't want to get them wrong. Through that personal revelation I now can have faith that I won't be getting them wrong. The spirit has confirmed what is right and I know I can trust that.

Spencer has 4 1/2 weeks left of school and that brings right to the surface the huge challange it has been for me to be working. I know you all have heard more than you want to hear of my complaining about this, but it's painful for me. I want to be at home with my kids. That is exactly what came out in my journal tonight. I faced how I've been drawing myself away from Heavenly Father because of my fear that this life is what He has in store for me. Of course, I don't know that for certain, but I have assumed that it's the way it's going to be. I've always been close to Heavenly Father and it makes me extremely sad that I have been pulling myself away from Him.

I was reminded by the spirit that Heavenly Father knows my heartache, but that He has a bigger plan. This bigger plan requires my heartache right now. This plan requires an education for Spencer that Heavenly Father will use in His work. This plan also includes forgiveness about how hard time of a time I have had with these past two years. It includes forgiveness for the fight I've put up against it the whole way through.

I wonder where I will be with my Heavenly Father in 4 1/2 weeks. I hope that I can forgive myself enough to gain my relationship back with Him. I hope that His plans for us in the near future will include mercy and the one blessing that I have been waiting for so long to come. For now, I'm facing my heartache with hope.

Hold On Tanner!!!

Be forewarned, this is a post in which I get to blow off all my thoughts about a hard day because I don't have anyone to talk to about it right now. So, I apologize for the length and the detail if you proceed.

I have just finished an exasperating week of tracking contractions to find out that they are coming about every 10 minutes (if not sooner) when I am up and moving around... or every 30 minutes if I am laying down. This has been very frustrating because I'm not the kind of person, nor do I have the life right now, to be laying down.

So, after talking with the nurse at my doctor's office she asked me to come in for some monitoring and tests as soon as possible. This got my heart going a little faster then I would like to admit. With Aine in tow, Spencer and I made the trip to the doctor's office. They set me up to the monitors so they could track little Tanner's heartbeat and my contractions and put me in a nice, cushy, leather recliner. Of course, with this lovely, comfortable chair I was able to take a much needed load off and produce no serious contractions. :) We all knew that was going to happen.

My doctor was out of the office, so then I got to meet with another doctor who was on call. She did some more tests, including checking to see if I was dilated. Good news, I'm not! Whoo! We then talked about how they would prefer me to get as much rest as possible. And when we say rest we mean at least sitting with my feet up. The doctor asked about what I do at work and I explained my situation. She came to the conclusion that she would prefer I be resting more, but if I had to be at work then I would need to follow some guidelines. Things like, consolidating my trips to get up and do things and getting my feet up when I am sitting down.

After this, I went straight back to work, despite the doctor's note that I received informing my boss that I needed to be excused for the day in exchange for bed rest. :) And of course once I was there I had to spill all the beans to my co-workers and to my boss. We then came to the conclusion that I will be working from home in the mornings and then at the office in the afternoons (with my feet up on a box under my desk). I'm really grateful for their willingness to work with me. But I'm not excited that this is all getting started all ready.

While I was getting the tests done they told me that at 35 weeks they won't try to stop any labor. This, for me, will be in about a week and a half and is way too soon! The good news is, they took some kind of chemical test to determine if I might be going into labor. The test came back negative so I have a very, very slim chance of going into labor within the next two weeks. Whoo! I'm safe for two weeks.

After all this huss and fuss I know that this little Tanner is going to hang on for dear life and probably won't come until October 24. Right when he is supposed to. This of course will make me feel quite embarrassed about this whole situation. It's just one of those things I guess. But, I am now exhausted from a long day and dreading the fact that tonight I still have to try and make up an hour of missed work from today's fiasco. Not to mention, tomorrow morning's working from home. Anyways, thanks for reading my book about today and letting me blow off some stuff. :)

Help!

Last Saturday Aine hit another big milestone, not only is she now 5 months but also she is done breastfeeding. A few weeks before, Aine's reflux medicine had finally helped her to eat better and she hit a growing spurt at the same time. It seemed like almost overnight her appetite doubled and though I tried I had no way of keeping up. So, I decided to feed her as much as I could and then give her a bottle to give her the rest that she needed. Unfortunately, because of our situation she has become very accustomed to the ease of eating out of a bottle and I would have to fight her to breastfeed when I was home. So, although it wasn't ideal, I made the executive decision that 5 months was a good enough age to stop breastfeeding Aine.

Now for the real reason I'm posting this, to all those who have gone through this before... Is it normal for me to be going through an emotional roller coaster right now because of this? Or am I just crazy? Because this last week has been intense emotionally. I have cried, or felt the need to cry about absolutely nothing. Heck, I feel like crying even as I'm writing this. And I feel a deep guilt. I feel it for not providing for Aine's needs or being able to spend time with her. I can see how that would be normal, but I also feel guilty about absolutely anything that I could possibly feel guilty for... anything!

I apologize to all those who have read this and have no interest in this topic. I guess I'm just looking for insight on the unreasonable and unexplainable sadness and self doubt I've been feeling this week. I couldn't think of a better way to find the insight I need then to post this question to all the beautiful and wise mothers who I know read our blog.

Here's a reward for faithfully checking up on us, some pictures of the ones I love: