I have spent some time writing in my journal tonight and I feel prompted to share on here some of what came out of that writing. I haven't been faithful about writing in my journal since my mission. I'm being stubborn about how therapeutic writing my thoughts and feelings is for me. The last two years have been some of the hardest times I have been through yet in my life and I have been avoiding admitting any of it on paper. So, here is what I discovered tonight in my musings with my journal.
I've been avoiding facing my troubles by turning on the TV at night after the kids have gone to bed. Just at the time of day when I get enough quite time to think through things. I haven't wanted to think through them. My wonderful husband inspired me with a goal, less TV. So, tonight I wrote in my journal and faced my reality. I'm grateful for Spencer and how he strengthens and inspires me to do good. Without him and the added prayers and scripture studies that have come with our latest goals I wouldn't been able to have peace.
I relearned how to seek and find personal revelation while making huge decisions. The kind that scare me to make because I don't want to get them wrong. Through that personal revelation I now can have faith that I won't be getting them wrong. The spirit has confirmed what is right and I know I can trust that.
Spencer has 4 1/2 weeks left of school and that brings right to the surface the huge challange it has been for me to be working. I know you all have heard more than you want to hear of my complaining about this, but it's painful for me. I want to be at home with my kids. That is exactly what came out in my journal tonight. I faced how I've been drawing myself away from Heavenly Father because of my fear that this life is what He has in store for me. Of course, I don't know that for certain, but I have assumed that it's the way it's going to be. I've always been close to Heavenly Father and it makes me extremely sad that I have been pulling myself away from Him.
I was reminded by the spirit that Heavenly Father knows my heartache, but that He has a bigger plan. This bigger plan requires my heartache right now. This plan requires an education for Spencer that Heavenly Father will use in His work. This plan also includes forgiveness about how hard time of a time I have had with these past two years. It includes forgiveness for the fight I've put up against it the whole way through.
I wonder where I will be with my Heavenly Father in 4 1/2 weeks. I hope that I can forgive myself enough to gain my relationship back with Him. I hope that His plans for us in the near future will include mercy and the one blessing that I have been waiting for so long to come. For now, I'm facing my heartache with hope.
3 comments:
You are amazing. I really look up to you and your example of hope and faith, even when it's hard. (You live up to your name!)
Thanks for sharing this today. I know just what you're talking about -turning away from the very thing that could bring light to a situation we don't want to face. It is a good reminder for me to remember in Whom I can and SHOULD always trust.
Hang in there and have a wonderful day!
Thanks for the reminder. Everything will get better. :)
You really are an inspiration Faith. You are always so stoic at work I had no idea you've been having such a hard time.
I think we all have our moments of pulling away and withdrawing from what we know will help. We all have our different reasons for it and some let it go on longer than others. Some, a few months and others who may be a little more stubborn and hardhearted and *mulish may take a few years...or more. I think you are amazing Faith and I feel so lucky to know someone like you who I get to see every day.
*Please note that I am capable of restraint when the situation arises and can refrain from using foul language that can be substituted for "mulish" instead. See? There's hope for me yet! ;)
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